Dear Mary
There are many kinds of days. Some of them are really good and other days are rainy and gloomy. But there isn’t a single day without me thinking of you. Sometimes you’re just a quick glimpse in my mind. For a minute I might feel how your gentle hands pet me or I hear you telling me how lovely a cat I am. Sometimes it’s almost like you’re more than just a distant memory, when you’re so alive in my mind that I might think you really are with me.
You never are here, though. Not since that day.
Do you still remember what happened to us? How life separated us?
But I would like to start from the beginning, not from the end. Because the day when I met you is the most precious day in my whole life. In some way, it’s also the very worst, but I didn’t know back then what would happen. I had grown up in a dark, little room with my mum and other cats. There were dozens of us kittens. Many people visited the room, but one day it was you who stepped inside. I remember I was very afraid of you at first. I hissed and hid behind my mum. Nonetheless you chose me and took me with you to your home.
The first night at that new place was the worst.
I was afraid of you, of everything. There were so many new smells, everything looked so big and weird and my mum and the other cats weren’t there with me. I meowed and searched for my mum everywhere, but there wasn’t anything that would have brought me comfort and shelter in your place.
Only you.
You held me in your lap, petted me and spoke quietly to me in that gentle voice of yours until I fell asleep. And you still didn’t leave me alone. You helped me through that horrible night when I felt just so utterly and completely alone.
It took some weeks, but I slowly got used to my new home. Finally it started to feel like home.
And I got used to you. I got to know you, I even started to like you. You became my everything. There wasn’t anybody at home when you were away (and I didn’t ever understand why you had to leave every morning) and I felt alone and bored. When you were with me, you played with me, gave me food, and petted me. I liked to sleep beside you and wake you up in the mornings. I hardly ever left you alone at home, I always came after you. When you ate, I sat on the chair next to you, when you read, I lay on your stomach, always watching what you were doing. I loved you like my only family and you never failed to tell me how adorable and nice a cat I was, how much you loved me.
Then, one day, everything changed. The day when that man moved into our house. He was tall and pale and you really liked to be with him all the time. You called him Mark. Suddenly it wasn’t just you and I anymore; there was always Mark, too. He sat next to you on the couch, slept beside you, did everything with you. When I think about it now, I guess he wasn’t really so bad. Mark tried to pet me and even make friends with me. But I was never able to let him into my world. Our world.
I was jealous, yes, but I had many reasons. You weren’t here only for me anymore since you spent all time with him. You didn’t pet me so often anymore. I wasn’t allowed to sleep in your bed since Mark said that it is unhygienic or something. I felt a little lonelier day by day. You didn’t seem to mind.
I thought that was hard. Oh, it really wasn’t and I wish now I had known it back then. Everything was still relatively nice, even though there was Mark.
At first I didn’t notice anything when your belly started growing. These kinds of things aren’t so important to us cats. I was in fact happy because you started to be more time at home and I had more time together with you, without Mark. Though there were many signs of an approaching change, I just didn’t notice them. You and he seemed to be so excited about something and almost ridiculous happy. And you brought some new, funny furniture into the house.
Just days before everything started finally falling completely apart, you petted and hugged me and told me for the last time how much you loved me. I loved you, too, and I tried to tell it to you by licking your nose. You laughed and sounded so happy - and for a moment I was again just a little kitten, not an adult cat.
A couple of days later you left home for many days. I missed you so much. But I finally made friends with Mark during those long days.
When you finally returned home, you had something… no, someone with you. I didn’t even notice it at first until the baby in your arms starting crying. I hated the sound immediately, I hated how you completely started ignoring me when he uttered even a sound. Mark was even worse; he was always near that little thing.
There were some things I understood very quickly about this new intruder. First, you and Mark called him Mattie. Secondly, you both loved him very much. Thirdly and lastly, I couldn’t stand him. He cried, smelled bad - and most importantly, stole all your time.
Before I even noticed it, I was completely ignored. You didn’t have any time for me. Mark didn’t care enough to notice me. Suddenly the only and most important thing at home was little Mattie.
Maybe I didn’t like him, but I really didn’t mean it when I one day went to see how the little one looked like and accidentally scratched him. He started screaming even before it and I was just startled.
Well, you didn’t understand it at all.
And when Mark and you started yelling at me, I became really frightened and for the first time in years, I hissed at you.
I regret it - the hissing - more than anything.
But I guess it didn’t even matter. All you worried parents could see, was the scratch on Mattie’s face, all you could hear was his crying.
I didn’t know how it happened, but after this, you could hardly even look at me anymore. When I think about it nowadays, I guess you regretted it, too. But it was too late. I don’t know how much you wanted it, but it didn’t take more than days when my whole world fell apart and that day dawned.
They were some new faces (an old lady and two teenagers) who came to our home and they took me away with them. You said goodbye and petted me for the very last time. Then I was forced to start my new life with them, in a strange new place and amongst strange new people.
I will never forget the look in your eyes, how you looked that morning. There were you, Mark and Mattie at the door. Unfortunately I didn’t have a place in your perfect, little family.
“Dangerous”, you said. I never hurt you. Even the little accident with Mattie was just an accident. And still you let me down, abandoned me.
It has been years since then. I’m an old cat already and live nicely in this new house. There was also another cat before, but she passed away years ago. I’m pretty sure it will soon be my turn but we cats are too proud to think about it before we have to. My life has been nice, I have always had enough food and water and my new family has taken good care of me.
I’m not bitter that you gave me away, that you couldn’t trust me anymore. Those feelings have already faded away during all these years. Nowadays I’m just a little disappointed and wistful when I think of you. You said you loved me and still abandoned me so easily. I guess you just loved Mattie more than me.
But I have never stopped loving you.
I love my new life, home and family, too. But I also love you.
I hope you became happy, that you and Mark didn’t break up, that Mattie turned out to be a fine boy and you had more kids.
But I also hope you haven’t forgotten me.
Because I could never forget you.
I had the best days of my life with you.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti